| All This Doubt |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses
Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers
Yeah I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change
And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who's gonna hear it?
But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together
Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, my friend, wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?
But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought
So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more
Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going
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| I Just Wanna Believe..... |
[Sep. 14th, 2007|01:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | okay i believe you but my tommy gun doesnt | ] |
i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..
i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good...
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.
this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us...
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| Salmon River Falls! |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|12:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
so today i woke up to my lovely boyfriend which was really nice in more ways than one :) we watched tv and decided we should go to the Falls today. we've been talking about it for a month or 2 now but we still hadn't gone. so we got some munchies and grabbed josh and headed for altmar. it was a fun trip, just talking and stuff. we got lost and ended up in this little town where we saw a foreign person running after a propane tank. we were in a gas station pulling onto Main Street, and this guy is just chasing this propane tank down a hill. it was an interesting sight. so we finally found the right roads. josh and arthur ventured down to the bottom of the falls, and i made my way down the trail to hang out on top. it was really fun and beautiful, of course. josh and art walked across this little stream thing and picked me flowers. i said they'd probably die before we got home, so josh made a vase out of an empty plastic kool-aid bottle--the ones where you twist the top off--very old school. so now i have a nice little vase of flowers on my desk compliments of them :) i took a picture, haha, what a geek. so we got pizza and stuff and went to my house to watch Pan's Labriynth(sp?). it was a really weird movie.. very graphic, and only had subtitles because it was in spanish.
so here i am now, awake, once again. why cant i sleep? its become a chore to fall asleep when arthur isnt here... blah. i want to go back up to the falls and take lindsay and dill and adriana. i think theyd all love it. ive gotta go back in the fall when everything is changing. OH! i saw amish (omish?) people! they had a horse and carriage. they were so nice. i would love to see where they really live, if its in a big community or what not. i watched a movie with harrison ford where he had to hide out in an amish community, and it was a good movie. so yeah now i have this sudden interest in amish people.
ok i think im gonna go downstairs and snuggy with elvis. his snoring relaxes me somehow.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
i don't have anything to do tonight, and im in a thoughtful mood. i just got off the phone with lindsay, i just feel like talking i guess. school starts Sept. 4. yep, not looking forward to that. at least ive got a sexuality class with lindsay to be happy about i suppose.
carleys going away to college.. rhode island. thats sad. last night carley, danielle s., arthur, josh, donald, and i went to dennys. it was so much fun, they had me laughing like i havent laughed in the longest time. it was good to hang out with everyone.. we might campout at carleys on tuesday. sort of a one-final-time-together before they leave to go to college.
i organized alot of my crap tonight. this is the fist night ive been alone in about a week, arts been with me all the time. its nice.. he isnt answering his phone. my life is so all over the place right now, its kind of ironic that i find comfort in cleaning and organizing. (oh shit i just heard loud thunder). i guess thats one of the few areas of my life i feel like i can get somewhere with if i work on it long enough. aw, thats depressing and not all true.
i want to move out so bad. mom & i have been like we were 3 years ago, at eachothers necks. its about time i live my life for me and only me.. too bad thats not going to happen until i finish college and save up more money. i think it sucks that so much is based on or depends on money. its such a stressor. im thinking about quitting p&c and taking on another client at EFR.. but do i have the balls to do it? hmm. EJ's away on vacation so i get a mini vacation before school starts back up. the one thing i wanted to do before i went back to school is go to Canada.. and i dont have the money for that, either, of course.
arthur and i have been doing a lot together though.. we went to krockathon and hung out with carley and nick and a girl that i work with.. hes actually given me enough courage to go to the beach, which is awesome because i missed swimming so much. our 10 month anniversary was actually the 14th.. we went to dinner and watched a movie, and then i got into a huge fight with my mom. that sucked. lets see what else.. weve went to a couple graduation parties, made dinner together.. its weird, this is the longest ive ever been with anybody. we dont hardly fight anymore.
ok time to clean. |
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| first post of 07? |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
Ok, new year.. not much is different unfortuanately. i feel like ive already screwed up this semester.. ive been absent alot because of this stupid weather, and i was really sick for a couple of weeks. we had this noreaster thing and i havent even left the house for almost 3 days because im terrified to drive in the snow. it sucks. i didnt get to see arthur on valentines day either, which sucked, but eh.
ok so i have a new car.. its wicked nice, 07 toyota corolla CE.. dark blue and sparkly. my old car finally went. i love it but i already hit a pole from sliding into it during a snow storm. its gonna cost my life savings to fix.. so much for fun this summer :/. im hoping ill still be able to go to canada with kassie. weve hung out alot lately, kinda been there for eachother thru rough times and stuff. i wish i could quit school and just work and save up money so i can thug out my car and move out haha. only half of that is true :p.
so i guess im just merely existing until college is over with. i hate being stuck there. my parents would pretty much disown me if i stopped going. still trying to hang on to my job, the P&C i worked at in cicero closed, it was awful and sad. i transferred to the clay one, and im working for Dave again, but its not the same.. he like, hates me or something. i think ill look for a new job over the summer. i might have to call in tomorrow if this snow doesnt let up, i cant even see my car cause its buried.
does anything give......? |
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| Believe Me.... |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|09:42 pm] |
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me
I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I'm just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to.. Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me
Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got
You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me |
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| annnnnger |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|04:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | for you i will | ] |
FUCKING STRESSFUL SHIT GNI854N845NTH[4NH45NJ495HN94
......god. i hate my car. i hate school and my dads disappointed in me. oh so is my mom, she made that incredibly clear. at least im still going. at least i havent dropped out and im TRYING. they didnt go to college. what the shit. i just wrote this stupid essay for english 103 and i know i did a crappy job because i just wanted to get it done. now i just want to sleep or clean, im not sure which. maybe my dads right and i have some form of add. wtf. this weekend was so much fun and i wish i could write about it now but im way too super ninja pissed to be happy. so yeah.
...but i do love my boyfriend very much. its weird sleeping without him tonight, boo. :( i cant wait to moooove out |
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| adrianas..arthur..stupid car. |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|01:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alive with the glory of love - say anything | ] |
ok i saw the funniest thing today. i was getting gas at hess, and there were these 3 kids in a big SUV. so the girl is pumping the gas, and gets back in her car after shes done, and frigging takes off with the gas nozzle still in the car. i was laughing so hard, and i was on the phone with arthur when it happened. but he didnt know what i was cracking up for so he probly thought i was nuts haha.. then they came back and finished pumping their gas. it was so funny.. i think it was one of adrianas friends too. not sure.
lifes been generally good.. schools still a lot of work but im getting by. i have a 93 in history. yay :) what else is new.. my car's broke a couple times. my check engine light is stuck on. i wish i was rich so i could get a new one and not be stressed about it all the time. arthur and i started dating Oct. 14. it was cute.. he was all.... so you gonna be my girl? aw. we spend a lot of time together, its cute. he came over today and made me lunch.. actually cooked for me. then we watched movies. and stuff. but i had to go to work which kinda put a damper on the day but, whatever. so far this new relationship thing is going really good. he treats me like.. i havent been treated since, well lets just say a long time. oh yes, the ever so controversial "interracial relationship." yeah, well people can bash it all they want, its working out pretty damn well for me. i dont know why people put such an emphasis on it.. its not a big deal. but anyway, i spend pretty much every weekend over at adri and dill's with josh and art and other random people. its always a good time. adriana and i have gotten closer in the past couple months. kassie even goes over there with me quite a bit. my social life right now is just so awesome. still though, in the back of my mind im waiting for the downfall, because there always is one. but right now im just gonna indulge in whats been coming my way.
so tomorrrrrow.. is wednesday. carley and aunt judi are coming over for dinner. ive been spending time with them too. then thursday, i dont have to do anything. i dont have school or work. soo im gonna hang with mr. arthur and later on go see anddddy and kassie at dennys. it should be a fun time--always is..
sooo besides my car breaking, everything is good with me. actually, my lover should be calling me soon soo i think im gonna go talk to my mom for a few. we've been at eachothers necks lately.. i should be nicer :( and i should do my homework. yep.
manda24: do you down load music ::whispers:: illeagaly?
in colors: im not answering that online
in colors: the gov;t watches what you do yanno
manda24: answer in german
manda24: lol
manda24: bush doesnt know german
just a funny little convo :p amanda rocks. |
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| license... adriana <3 |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|07:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the waiting game on myspace | ] |
yeaaaahh.. homie got her license last week. i got some lady, i took it in fulton. she was a beast but at least she passed me. its like.. a whole new sense of freedom. and its taking a little getting used to.
my mom went to connecticuit this weekend. robbies daughter got married, and i guess my mom got hit on by one of the grooms friends haha.. he was drunk though. so i had the house to myself this weekend. ive been visiting my dad and gramma and hailey alot, its easier now. i just hope my car doesnt frigging die out again.....
ok what else. college? its so much work. i didnt do my homework actually come to think of it now. damn. ive met a lot of new people though, and ive made a lot of new friends. the other day they had a dunk tank up at occ, and amanda definitely volunteered to be dunked. it was hilarious, but it was rainy and cold. arthur, someone i met at adrianas, carried all her shit for her. hes seriously a gentleman, hes so respectful and polite.
which brings me to saturday night. oh man. it was the most fun ive had in a long time.. i went to adrianas around 8ish.. there was already a few people over there.. josh, chris, dill & adri. they went on a liquor run, so i watched forrest gump and waited for them to get back. apparently they couldnt find any which was sad. kassie came over around 10:00.. thennn this pat guy came over, and arthur, and they got beer.. so we all sat in the living room and talked and drank. it was just so relaxing & nice. things picked up pretty quick.. adriana made this vanilla cake with chocolate chips, bananas, and friggin candy corn in it. surprisingly it was good though. so all the guys went outside and me, kassie, and adri stayed in, we thought they were going to find more beer or something.. then like 1/2 hour later, they come busting in the door carrying various halloween lawn decorations, an ADT sign, and flowers for us. mind you, theyre completely drunk. friggin chris, hes hilarious. he made my night. he pranked someone and was acting like he was a chinese person from a chinese delivery service.. just the things he was saying were so funny.. "you order egg roll?! i give you special--$15.00!" .. "ok you get wonton souuuup?" .. oh man. then they hung a scarecrow that they got from someones porch up on the wall next to adrianas pots and pants, and they were trying to put a beer in its hand. it was just so much fun. i was gonna go home, but i drank a little, and i wanted to stay over.. everyone else was, so we watched tv and everyone kinda manned their couch.. me and arthur ended up snuggying all night.. we didnt sleep at all. i mean, not even an hour. it was an interesting night.. hes such a nice guy.
art, josh and i stayed up so.. we finally kinda woke up a little at like 8 am and started talking. chris woke up every like.. 30 minutes saying 'motherfuckers, be quiet!.. i have a headache.' hahaha. he was the worst gone out of everyone. so i drove pat home.. and josh, art, and i came back to my house. we just kinda vegged here, didnt do much really.. art and i fell asleep and didnt wake up til about 3:30. i didnt mean to fall asleep.. god what a dork haha. but we had good convos.
im going over to adrianas tonight to pick up a cell charger.. i got a new cell phone, yay. im excited but its dying already haha.. back to the grind tomorrow--but at least i dont have to go to my first 2 morning classes. you can bet your ass im gonna sleep in, since ive only had about 2 hours in the past 48 hours.. haha. it was worth it though ;) i thought this story was entry-worthy.. so ill write more when something fun happens :)
I'm leaving today", she said in a way I knew this was for real.
"Don't know what to say, but that I'm sorry that I can't help the way I feel."
And you say you swear this has nothing to do with me,
but I think you're just too scared to see what this could be.....
Cuz I will soon become on your all time five
Mr. Number One for the worst mistake you've made in your life
Then you'll say how much this hurts inside
You'll wish you still were mine every single time you look in my eyes.
The phone, it rings. It's you, you say just called to hear me breath.
And that I'm taking you back because I know it's a fact that you're the one I need.
But this time I won't give in, to everything you say.
I'll just tell you once again, but with a smile on my face......
Suppose I take, I take you back and say that everything's alright, do you seriously think this will be any different than before?
Cuz I can't change everything about me that you don't desire,
and even if I were to, your eyes still would fail to see the best part of me. |
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| 17 aint so sweet |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|10:26 pm] |
"Seventeen Ain't So Sweet"
Well she never was the best
Yeah at following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest
And even though it seemed
Like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down
Didn't hold her back oh no
Don't worry you'll show them
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you'll let it burn
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you'll let it burn
Until you're heard, you're heard
Seventeen is just a test
Yeah and I would recommend
That you live with no regrets
And even if it seems
Like the world is crashing on you
You shouldn't let it hold you down
Shouldn't hold you back
Don't worry you'll show them
Relax girl, turn down the lights
No one can see you shining
Relax girl, it'll be alright
No one can stop you if you try
Point of rhythm is to follow it in time
To listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
I am walking through your streets
I am looking in your windows
I am elemental now
You'll never even know I'm there
I am watching over you
I am living in the shadows
I am just a word to you, but I am very real and cold
Cold to all of this
Cold to how you feel
Cold to all your loose reason
I am everything
I am anything
I am automatic
I am yesterday
I am everyday
I am gonna be...
I am all there is to know
I am all that you've forgotten
I am enigmatic now
You never even knew my name
I am dressed in tragedy
I am by design immortal
I am just the last one left but I am always here and old
Old and very strong
Old as all you feel
Old as all the world around you
I am everything
I am anything
I am automatic
I am yesterday
I am everyday
I am gonna be...Reborn
(This is the start of something) |
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| Zzyzx Rd. |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|12:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stone sour | ] |
This one came from looking
This one opened twice
These two seem as smooth as silk, flush againt my eyes
This one needed stiches and
This one came from rings
This one isn't even there, but I feel it more because you don't care
Yeah, Cut right into me
Yeah, Cause I am Made Of Scars
Yes I am made of scars
This one had it coming
This one found a vein
This one was an accident, but never gave me pain
This one was my fathers and
This one you can't see
This one had me scared to death,
But I guess I should be glad I'm not dead..
God, Don't you believe it
And I will find a way
Everything you are I will betray
Oooh, I swear that I will find a way
Everything you are's inside me
This one was the first one
This one had a vice
This one here I like to rub on dark and stormy nights
This one was the last one,
I don't remember how
But I remember blood and rain
AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING AGAIN
Yeah, Cut right into me
Yeah, Cause I am made of scars
Yes, I am made of scars |
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| good ol tom petty |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|03:57 am] |
Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more
Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find..
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here..
Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here |
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| obit card |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|03:45 am] |
When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to do and see.
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears.
Be thankful for our beautiful years..
I gave to you my love.
You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it's time I traveled on alone.
so grieve a while for me, if grieve you must..
then let your grief be comforted by trust.
its only for a time that we must part,
so bless the memories within your heart..
I wont be far away, for life goes on
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near,
And if you listen with your heart you'll hear
All my love around you, soft and clear.
And then when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and say, "Welcome Home!"
God grant me the Serentiy to accept the things i cannot change
Courage to change the things i can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.. |
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| funny song. number1hater |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|04:33 am] |
If I had a remote that could change things
I Would change the channel every time your nagging me
Every time you talk I would press mute
And change the channel to someone who's cute
On ESPN there's always sports
I could watch OJ Simpson on the people court
I would change how I always gotta be right
Win a new car on the price is right
I Would stay up to watch Conan O'Brien
I Don't got a job and I'm not even trying
I Could go any where in this piece
and get Donald trump a new hair piece
I wanna be real famous for absolutely nothing
like how Paris Hilton is for humping
Eww I wish I had a remote that could change my life
I would pick it up and make everything right
You could look at me every night on channel 9
I wanna get back to my home tonight
I don't want the batteries to die
If we want things to happen then I gotta try
when the parents wanted to talk
I would hit the power button and turn them off
I look a beyonce and I wish I knew her
If I broke the law Id be on house arrest like Martha Stewart
I wanna through a party and invite all my friends
I wanna be on full house with the Olsen twins
So tell me who wants to marry a dwarf ?
like ken Jennings I wanna be a dork.
I wish I could make a bunch of bank
And be chilling with tyra banks.
Bobbie discovered his girl friend was really a dude on jenny Jones
Now he wants teddy to leave him alone
What kinda girl has an adams apple
with a matching 5 oclock shadow
I cant imagine how dumb he feels
I Would make it so I could get a record deal
Eww I wish I had a remote that could change my life
I would pick it up and make everything right
You could look at me every night on channel 9
I wanna get back to my home tonight
I dont want the batteries to die
If we want things to happen then I gotta try
Clay akon lost American idol
Then he got all suicidal
No wait that was me
sleep with prostitutes like Charlie sheen
I would change how my minds always drifts
And get myself some Christmas gifts
Jose Conseco wants to make a book
And brag about all steroids he took
He got injected from behind
I bet he enjoyed it every time
I really want kobe bryants life
to shoot hoops then cheat on my wife
Then have to buy her a diamond ring
like ashlee simpson I Wanna lip sync
on Saturday night live and get caught
And then laugh about all the publicity I got
Like anna nichole I wanna marry rich
Then gain 300 pounds and be a bitch
Trim spa is my favorite place
I go home and stuff food all over my face
Eww I wish I had a remote that could change my life
I would pick it up and make everything right
You could look at me every night on channel 9
I wanna get back to our home tonight
I dont want the batteries to die
If we want things to happen then I gotta try
My lifes like an infomercial
My lifes like a rerun
My lifes like a canceld show
I'm on the first season , And Im going strong
Get me back to my remote,
Im gonna write the script to my destiny
I wanna be like on the man show
I want have juggies hug me wherever I go
oh oh
back to my remote
lifes in my hands |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hear you me - jimmy eat world (hah JEW) | ] |
this week's been shitty. this whole month pretty much has been actually. why not spill my guts to a stupid journal, right?
so i've lost my 2 'bestfriends' over nothing. no, seriously, nothing. im just sick of all the drama and i just need to cut my losses. its like, since theyre dating now, im just out of the picture. what gets me is 6, almost 7 years of fucking friendship is gone. like i wrote in my last entry.. you can be the best friend to someone.. i just dont understand why things work this way. i dont have one friend that hasnt done something to frig shit up.. it sucks. i dont say many good things about myself, and we all know that, but i DO know that i am a damn good friend. people think that ive got all these friends, and truth is i dont, and thats why i take friendship to heart. silly me i suppose. and the worst part is, with him, i didnt even do anything. i have done nothing but been there for him, fucking supported everything. ive never been talked to or yelled at like i was, and i dont deserve that. so.. i asked krystal to stop by last night & i just told her i cant do this shit anymore. she said she knows... so. im just so done.
on a lighter note, thank god andy & kassie were there. it was so good to be back to us.. his friend chris was there too. we hung out and talked in my driveway, went to wally world and listened to music, then ended up at dennys like old times. hope was there :) we stayed there forever.. aw i pushed kassie out of the booth. that was funny. she bit me so she got her revenge. i havent laughed as hard as i did with them in like.. well.. a month probly. so we hung out in dennys parking lot and played the air guitar.. got a lovely sight of chris' ass when he mooned us.. andy lifted my car.. anddd we all danced to My Humps. so i ended up at home at like 3 am. i slept til noon. i havent done much today.. me and mom are kind of arguing. dude its so stupid.. she asked me to feed the dogs, so i go out in the kitchen to get the bowls and shes smoking. shes not sposed to smoke in the house, so of course, i say put it out. shes like youre gonna hafta wait, im busy. fuck that, im not staying in the room with her when shes smoking. its the actual smoke that bothers me so much. so i was like fine you feed em then and i went upstairs. it was a simple request that wouldnt kill her. so now im sitting up here, my computers all fucked up, and ive got nothing to do tonight. andy was sposed to stay over but he cant so.. errrrrrrrrrr i hate this week. its only 8:00 and i think im gonna just go to sleep. maybe ill see what pauls doing.
college starts sept. 5. can we say scared? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|03:57 pm] |
dont take friendship personal. you never know someones true colors.. most times you probably dont want to. you can be the best friend to someone, and in the end they just shit on you. its amazing how cold hearted people can be. people ruin friendships over nothing, because theyre caught up in the moment, because theyre heated and dont want to deal wtih it. i just hope when the rest of your friends and people in your life betray you, because they will, youll think back on me and say.. damn. i really fucked up that time.
dont let anyone get too close. |
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| good song.. |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|01:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Spend Some Time - Eminem | ] |
If there's any bitches in this room, then there's something I gotta say
For all the fools who fell for the first girl who comes their way
I've been down that road and now I'm back, sittin' on square one
Tryna pick myself up where I started from
[Obie Trice]
I never woulda thought that I'd see you outta control
Even though my penis was deep down in your hole
You should know between us we was like mates to soul
Nothing could intervene us, especially no hoes
You was more so the chalant type, I chose
To more shows, haunted you nights I suppose
That's how it go, with time spent, emotion grows
In the beginning, friends we decided to roll
So who's responsible when you get excited, explode
And Obie's grinning, then you invite that Obie's cold
But bitches the gon' talk, niggas they gon' hate
We established this way before we became mates
So whats required is that you chill with all that fire
Get your desire when I retire
[Chorus]
Spend some time with me, say that you'll be mine
I never thought I'd find someone to be mine
Lord knows I was right cuz you just crossed the line
Spend some time with me, say that you'll be mine
[Eminem]
I used to say I never met a girl like you before
Still ain't got a fuckin' clue as to who you truly are
Almost went as far as introducing you to my daughters
Till you went as far as goin' and snoopin' through my drawers
Now I just feel stupid for the loop that you threw me for
Can't believe I almost flew the coop for some stupid whore
You used to say all you wanted was for me to be yours
All I ever wanted from you was a few booty calls
If you recall I used to treat you as a groupie broad
When we fucked I refused to even take my jewelry off
But it threw me off the first time I called and you blew me off
It was a shock, it struck me as odd but it turned me on
You started getting moody on me, pretty soon we'd argue
And the ruder you got, the more beautiful you got to me
And who woulda even knew that who woulda even thought possibly
Cupid could shoot another one of them God damn darts at me
It's true that I got shot in the heart
But when someone seems too good to be true, they usually are
But see, when you're in it it's too hard to see
Till you pull up and see some other dude's car parked and reach
Up under the seat as your heart starts to beat
Before you make a decision that's life altering
And just as you halt and you turn and you start to leave
You hear them words echoing, almost haunting, that taunting ring
[Chorus]
[Stat Quo]
In most cases, Stat's attitude is fuck-a-bitch
My only motive is to get head and fuck a bitch
But you was different, thought we shared a covenant
Even held your hand in public, we sufferin' because of this
Shorty on some whole 'notha other shit
Tryna play sick thinkin' i'mma trick off rick
I'll admit, I was caught in the mix, down to commit
Feed you the best of me, I shoulda fed you piss
We started off closer than close
But who coulda predicted to know, your triflin' ways woulda stopped our growth
And the final result, back in that same boat
I ask myself, do I love these hoes? NO!
[50 cent]
Em introduced us, "50 this is Tanya, Tanya this is 50"
Then slid off and left her to kick it with me
I complimented her, I said you have very nice lips
With my imagination, I could see her suckin' my dick
We played the phone game, a week later, shit changed fast
Had her comin' over in a cab to give me some ass
Downtown Manhattan on the balcony, stare at the skyline
Penthouse full of imported shit, you know how I grind
She got to talkin', talkin' like an opportunist too
Why talk when suckin' my dick is the real career move?
Said she's an inspiring actress, she do videos for practice
Yeah, yeah, know how many times I done heard that shit? |
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| The Hard Way |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|12:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fort Minor - The Hard Way | ] |
Come with me
Let me walk in through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I’m mistaken
You can even talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you could tell me why everybody’s so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don’t even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they're actin’ so different
I’m still the same person, why doesn’t anybody listen..?
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope...
Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I’m going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I’m going at it the hard way..
Come with me
Let me walk in through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes, so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t cause they're not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I’m losin’ hope, give me one reason not to... |
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| grad party |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|12:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | just chill - jon young | ] |
life always throws shit at you.
yesterday (saturday) was my graduation party. mostly everyone showed up that i really wanted here, except for a few of my special ed kids that didnt come, that bummed me out. i saw EJ at price chopper the other day. it was so great seeing him, and his mom was real nice. so my party was fun, my sister was drunk before 4 and i was by like 5. it was a stressful day. it was lots of fun. tomorrow im going to the bank to deposit my money and hopefully get a debit card. i gotta get my warped tour ticket tuesday too with kassie. thhhaaat should be fun.
i went out driving with krystal tonight. we both had kinda crappy days so we needed it. i made a fun rap cd and we sang to the city of syracuse. the city always makes us feel better. rich is still in florida.. i havent even talked to him really. yes, yes, we broke up.. but i hope things change when he comes back because we're fun together. :p i miss spending like every night at his house with joe & mike. i havent seen much of joe lately because his mom got surgery, and he spends every waking moment with krystal. i guess things have changed a little in that department. the night before Mike & Rich left for florida, kassie and i went over to Rich's to hang out.. i ended up staying there. kassie stayed for awhile and it surprised me, but she ended up knowing rich and his friend mark.. so that was neat. he had a couple friends over and they were really nice people. so things kinda settled and even though we were broken up at that point, we still ended up holding hands and stuff that night. of course everyone was partying and stuff.. i think rich felt crappy for awhile there and we just laid on the couch together. it made saying bye awkward though haha.. but ill admit it was nice to be with him like that again. stupid fucking boy draaaamaaaaaaaa.
im starting to really freak out about college.. i keep thinking like, what if i try it and its not for me? my parents will be so disappointed. i hope i can get my ass in gear when im there.
my mom got me this cute journal thing.. id really like to start writing in journals again. theyre so much fun to read.. aww my mom wrapped up my dr. seuss book Oh The Places You Will Go. reading it now makes so much sense. i was like.. balling as i read it. i think im gonna take her to the movies tomorrow :)
ok wow im crampy. and i have a headache and i gotta be up in 9ish hours. bedtime for me i suppose. i gotta write out all these thank you cards tomorrow.. and i gotta work.. i want to go on a vacation for a few days. even if its somewhere close, just like a little mini one or something.. to escape reality would be excellent sometimes ;)
i stare into your empty eyes and wonder..
how could something so right
ohhh, turn out so wrong?
i dont have a backup plan
this is all that i am.. |
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love_is_blood27's journal